I'm baaack!

Well, I've made it. Second post. I wasn't sure I'd make it this far. If we are going to be honest, really really honest, I'll admit the first post almost didn't make it. It was written, then almost completely lost - thanks to the battery dying on the iPad. I checked it, saved it, went away and thought about it for a while. Came back and changed it again, walked away, was ready to hit the delete button, thought about it a bit more. Eventually it made it online and I'm still tempted to remove it altogether. But I'm going to resist.... For now.

So what do I have to say today. Not too much for now. I guess this is my fear, having a blog but nothing worthy of writing about. For now it doesn't matter. I'm not telling anyone of the existence of this blog so I don't have to worry. And should someone stumble across it, then that's fine. I guess I'm a bit of a worrier. Never quite knowing what to say or do and I'm sure this may come across in my writing. I don't know why I worry about what other people think. Always thinking that people judge me; on what I do, on what I say; on what I look like. I'm hoping that maybe... just maybe.. by putting my thoughts out there, someone else can relate. Maybe this is a bit of a test for me. Maybe I can cope with being judged. And maybe I can learn to just not care! 

I should treat this blog as a bit of therapy. Not quite as exciting as retail therapy though! Oh how I do like to shop - when I'm in the mood for it! Now I'm slightly off topic... back to therapy. If I do happen to add another blog post after this, after putting my thoughts and fears out there for anyone to read, that I might not worry so much.  At least I can say that I'm a bit busy these days to sit and worry. I've got my gorgeous boy to look after. I'd much rather sit and wonder what he'll be like as he grows up. Will I be a good mum to him? What will he do?

I remember being in the hospital the night Dylan was born and listening to the woman in the bed next to me constantly talking to her baby. I would listen as she calmly explained what she was doing and how much she loved her new bundle of joy. I don't think I said more than a few words to my baby that first night. Partly for being in complete shock that he was here, partly for not knowing what to say to this beautiful little boy, and partly for not wanting anyone to hear how awkward I sounded around him.  But since then, little by little I'm working out what to say and do to hopefully make him feel wanted, and loved, and adored. Maybe this motherhood caper won't be so bad. I remember telling my mum back in the first few weeks at home that I felt silly and didn't know what to say or do around my baby. I can't really remember what she said to me, but her advice throughout this experience so far is to listen to your instincts. And she has been spot on. Somehow I've been meddling my way through. Dylan is becoming a sweet, smiley, calm and lovely boy who I just adore and I just hope some of that is because I'm trying to find a way to be a good mum to him. The smiles I get each day make it all worthwhile... 

Bel